I have never been more terrified than I have been these last several months.
With each passing day, I feel my body waxing and waning due to my autoimmune diseases (Lupus, Sjogren’s, Hashimato’s and Graves Disease).
To be perfectly honest, the fight against depression is a daily struggle.
As my diseases have begun to take more of a toll upon my body, I find my strength weakening.
My drive to fight against is lessening and the more I want to succumb to it all.
Essentially, I feel defeated.
When I started on this journey, I had this desire to beat my illnesses.
However, the longer I’ve tried to fight, the more and more I’ve been discouraged.
After battling for sevenish months, I’ve finally gotten closer to reaching a conclusion.
I don’t have to necessarily beat my diseases. I merely need to find a way to live with them.
By living with them, I mean that I need to relearn my body.
I no longer can do all the things I used to do.
By relearning my body, I must discover my new physical and emotional limits. I must find the right balance in my life. I must learn to say “no” to things that can overthrow that balance.
No, I don’t particularly like the hand that life has dealt me.
However, in my lowest of moments when I feel the greatest amount of despair, I think back to this particular verse in the Bible:
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” – Psalm 139:14
There are times when I feel broken. My body is plagued with a handful of autoimmune diseases and I often fear what my future looks like. Not only that, but I also fear that because of my brokenness, I’ll be hard to love. Now, I’m aware that to you that may sound utterly silly. Yet, it’s a real and genuine fear of mine.
But I have to remember that I’m not broken. The moments when I feel like God “messed up” when he created me, I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn’t mess up. And He sure didn’t mess up when He created me because marvellous are thy works. How do I know this? Well, my soul knoweth right well.
Faith is a really hard concept for me, like I assume it is for a lot of other people. Yet, we’re told that:
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1
All that I can see right now is that my body hurts and that I don’t feel good. If I just look at what I can see, no wonder why I get so discouraged. But faith is so much more than how I feel – it’s trust in God to take care of me.
Its easy to say, “God, I have faith that you will take away all of my pain and cure me of my autoimmune diseases.” However, that’s not how He works. God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way that we want Him to. Rather, I need to be saying, “God, I have faith that you will take care of me no matter what comes my way. And most importantly, I’ll be able to make it through any storm that life may throw at me because I have You by my side.”
It’s been a mere sevenish months – I still have a long journey ahead of me. But, for the first time since I’ve started on this journey, I am finally closer to feeling at peace.
Thank you God for this peace you’ve given me.
Abigail Grace Walker 