I’ve never really fit any mold; I’ve never really followed the norm. Without any intent to, or even being aware of it, I’ve always followed the beat of my own drum.

Why should my love story be any different?

On March 10^th, 2015, I drove down to Lubbock to meet this random stranger – an Air Force pilot stationed out of Clovis, NM – at Ruby’s followed by a Texas Tech baseball game.

We spent the next few months hanging out before he decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. He then claimed to feel “claustrophobic” the next day, which I still tease him about to this day.

After a month or two of being “official”, Mark packed his bags and was off to his deployment in Africa.

Mark’s deployment was a crucial time for our relationship. Having only known each other for five months, it was going to be telling to see how the next three months apart would go.

After many, many video calls and messaging (only when there was wifi), Mark finally got back home!

Soon it was Christmas time and I flew up with Mark to meet his family for the first time. After spending time getting to know his family and the people who helped make Mark into the wonderful man I loved, I knew for sure then I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Sure, I thought I wanted to marry him but after Christmas, I knew he was the one.

We quickly begin to seriously discuss the idea of marriage during the spring months. While I was winding down my first year of teaching, Mark was offered the amazing chance to switch airframes and learn how to fly a new plane. With a new airframe, there were new opportunities. However, with these new and exciting opportunities came a whole new set of worries…

(This is where my love story starts to veer off course of the norm.)

Little less than a month before meeting Mark, I was diagnosed with Lupus and later on, I was diagnosed with Sjogrens, Hashimotos and Graves Disease.

Initially, the only side effect of Lupus was Raynaud’s – the creepy thing my hands and feet do where they turn white, go numb, and hurt. So there for the first several months, it was as if Lupus didn’t even exist.

However, that feeling didn’t last long.

Over the course of our relationship, Lupus quickly crept in. Unwanted and uninvited, the disease began to affect me more and more and in turn, our relationship.

I was no longer just having problems with my Raynaud’s but rather the list of side effects was rapidly growing. I began to experience extreme fatigue (4-5 hour naps every day after school), finger and joint pain, insatiable itchin fg and a gnawing anxiety that began to scream louder and louder.

To be honest, the emotional side effects of anxiety are oftentimes the worst of the whole slew of side effects. I go through phases where I worry about my future (correction: our future now). This is supposed to be the “honeymoon phase” – everything is supposed to be awesome and great, right? I worry that if things are this “great” now, what will the nature of my health be like down the road? I worry about having babies and the health risks for both the child as well as for me. I worry that if I feel as though I’m barely making it by now, what will it be like when we have kids? How will I be able to be a wife and a mom as well as take care of myself?

There are several frustrating aspects of dealing with Lupus other than just the side effects. Toting around 10-12 pill bottles and topical creams because at any given time, I may need them. Having to rearrange my schedule because I’m too tired to do anything besides the bare necessities (eat, sleep, teach). Having to take 4-5 hour naps everyday not because I have a choice, but because my body dictates that I do. Having to take off of work on a regular basis because I have so many doctor appointments to go to. Not being able to do the things that I used to love doing (running, working out, hanging out with a friend, etc..).

But to be honest, the most frustrating aspect of Lupus has nothing to do with me at all – It has everything to do with Mark.

Everytime I call Mark, he just sits there and listens – he lets me cry and scream out of frustration. He will console me, offering words of consolation. He talks to me and tells me everything will be alright.

Everytime I tell Mark that I’m too tired or just feeling bad, he always finds a way to moderate whatever we’re doing so that I can still do things but at my own pace. Yes, he pushes me to do things, but never outside the boundaries of what would be considered a health-risk.

Everytime I tell Mark I need to take a nap, he will come lay beside me – not because he is tired (he doesn’t do naps really) but because he wants to spend time with me and sadly enough, that may be how we spend some of our weekends.

Everytime I tell Mark that my body hurts (a finger, a joint, my ankles, my knees, my eyes, my chest, etc…) he tries walking me through finding a solution. He goes over the list of medicines I’m taking, which occasional medicine I might need to take when a flare-up hits as well as other solutions.

That’s just part of marriage: “In sickness and in health”, although I feel like it should read “In sickness and in sickness”.

Whenever I feel exhausted or my body hurts, Mark hurts, too. He doesn’t physically hurt like I do, but his heart hurts for me.

This is where I’m sure our marriage differs significantly that other newly weds.

I don’t cry because Mark hurts my feeling – I cry because I physically hurt.

Mark doesn’t apologize because he hurts my feelings – Mark apologizes because he feels bad that he can’t take away my pain.

I don’t have uncertainty about marrying Mark because I’m not sure he is the right one for me because I know he’s perfect – I have uncertainty because I worry that by marrying me, Mark has taken on a potential lifetime of more burdens and heartache than he should ever have to deal with.

(So this is where our love story completely derails from the norm.)

So with these new and exciting opportunities Mark and I would get to experience came a lot of aspects to think about.

It will be highly likely that Mark and I will be stationed over seas sometime in the next six or seven years either in Asia or Europe. Not forgetting the third party in our love triangle, we knew we would have to make sure that wherever we moved, there would need to be the appropriate doctors to take care of me.

Moving overseas and needing to find the right doctors would require a lot of work: I would need to fill out quite a lot of paperwork, get it to the right doctors, have them fill out their part, then get it back to the right people on base so they can then process it. Of course, this takes forever to do.

Oh, and did I mention that Mark and I have to be officially married for this lengthy process to even start?

Mark and I were already planning a wedding for December 18^th, the one we’re about to have in a few days. However, if we waited till then to actually get married, the six months before Mark and I would supposed to be stationed overseas might not actually be enough time to get the aforementioned lengthy process done.

We had to make a decision.

It was important to both of us that we move overseas and travel together before we brought little ones into the world. It was also important to both of us that moving overseas would open up a lot of career experience for not only Mark but me as well.

So we made the decision to go ahead and get married on June 3^rd, 2016 outside of Clovis, NM at the bank of a little lake. One of my favorite parts was that I got married in a little black dress, which has always been a dream of mine.

First of all, marriage isn’t easy but when you factor in an autoimmune disease, it makes it so much more difficult.

With my Lupus progressively getting worse, my health would take a hit when the slightest bit of stress would creep in.

We were faced with another decision – It was decision that wasn’t made lightly but actually with great consideration.

To help keep Lupus and the progressive list of side effects at a minimum, we decided to not tell many people.

I know this may not make a lot of sense to some and I don’t expect everybody to understand our decision.

Mark and I made this decision as a married couple, between husband and wife. For the sake of our marriage and my health, we made the decision that was the best for us.

Looking back over the last six months of marriage, I honestly would do it all over again.

I have never been more terrified than I have been these last several months.

With each passing day, I feel my body waxing and waning due to my autoimmune diseases (Lupus, Sjogren’s, Hashimato’s and Graves Disease).

To be perfectly honest, the fight against depression is a daily struggle.

As my diseases have begun to take more of a toll upon my body, I find my strength weakening.

My drive to fight against is lessening and the more I want to succumb to it all.

Essentially, I feel defeated.

When I started on this journey, I had this desire to beat my illnesses.

However, the longer I’ve tried to fight, the more and more I’ve been discouraged.

After battling for sevenish months, I’ve finally gotten closer to reaching a conclusion.

I don’t have to necessarily beat my diseases. I merely need to find a way to live with them.

By living with them, I mean that I need to relearn my body.

I no longer can do all the things I used to do.

By relearning my body, I must discover my new physical and emotional limits. I must find the right balance in my life. I must learn to say “no” to things that can overthrow that balance.

No, I don’t particularly like the hand that life has dealt me.

However, in my lowest of moments when I feel the greatest amount of despair, I think back to this particular verse in the Bible:

“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” – Psalm 139:14

There are times when I feel broken. My body is plagued with a handful of autoimmune diseases and I often fear what my future looks like. Not only that, but I also fear that because of my brokenness, I’ll be hard to love. Now, I’m aware that to you that may sound utterly silly. Yet, it’s a real and genuine fear of mine.

But I have to remember that I’m not broken. The moments when I feel like God “messed up” when he created me, I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn’t mess up. And He sure didn’t mess up when He created me because marvellous are thy works. How do I know this? Well, my soul knoweth right well.

Faith is a really hard concept for me, like I assume it is for a lot of other people. Yet, we’re told that:

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1

All that I can see right now is that my body hurts and that I don’t feel good. If I just look at what I can see, no wonder why I get so discouraged. But faith is so much more than how I feel – it’s trust in God to take care of me.

Its easy to say, “God, I have faith that you will take away all of my pain and cure me of my autoimmune diseases.” However, that’s not how He works. God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way that we want Him to. Rather, I need to be saying, “God, I have faith that you will take care of me no matter what comes my way. And most importantly, I’ll be able to make it through any storm that life may throw at me because I have You by my side.”

It’s been a mere sevenish months – I still have a long journey ahead of me. But, for the first time since I’ve started on this journey, I am finally closer to feeling at peace.

Thank you God for this peace you’ve given me.