Becoming a momma wasn’t easy.
I thank God I didn’t have to battle infertility nor experience the loss of a baby through miscarriage. However, becoming a momma still wasn’t easy for me.
Mark and I did spend several months trying to get pregnant. Before that, we spent half a year trying to just get my body ready for pregnancy and delivery. We even sought out advice from an expert via a pre-pregnancy risk assessment.
Yet, it just wasn’t meant to be.
All of this time, I had prioritized what I wanted (trying to get pregnant) over what my body needed (medication). The medication I needed wasn’t pregnancy-friendly, and I didn’t want to put a baby at risk for my benefit.
So, we intentionally chose to stop trying to get pregnant and started to pursue adoption.
Once I started on the right combination of medications, my health slowly began to improve. I wasn’t as fatigued, and my pain levels began to decrease to a manageable level. I was starting to feel more like myself again. I was learning how to actually function on a daily basis and manage my Fibromyalgia.
Choosing to go back on birth control after more than a year of not taking it was emotionally harder than I had anticipated. After trying so hard to get pregnant, taking birth control again felt both bizarre and foreign. I can vividly remember that day in November of 2018: I held the box of medication in my hands as I sat there in my closet and cried.
The incredible difference I felt after starting my medications only confirmed that I didn’t need to put my body through pregnancy and delivery. Thus began the conversation about a more permanent form of birth control.
Throughout the adoption process and even after adopting our sweet baby daughter, Mark and I struggled with making a decision.
The first time I have ever truly felt a sense of loss was after being (mis)diagnosed with Lupus on February 13, 2015. I lost a part of myself that I fear I’ll never be able to get back. My body now fights to function on a daily basis. Things like driving long distances, going out at night, keeping plans and making appointments, working out, staying awake for more than just a few hours, doing chores around the house, and having the ability to work are a few of things are not longer “a given” anymore.
So, when it began to sink in that my body didn’t need to go through pregnancy and delivery, I began to feel a sense of loss all over again. Even though I had made the choice not to get pregnant to protect my body and even though I haven’t lost a baby through miscarriage, I have lost this specific part of becoming a mother and motherhood.
While an entire year had already passed spent in prayer and discussion over our decision, I still felt surprisingly emotional the morning I had surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. It wasn’t until a nurse asked all about our sweet baby that all of the tears I had been fighting to hold back all morning dissipated.
Then and there, I felt God’s assurance we had made the right decision – no matter how painstakingly hard it was. Even now, months later, I find myself crying as I write this.
God doesn’t promise us life will be free of trials, but what He does promise is that He’ll always be right there with us. Looking back over the last few years, I can’t think of a time when God wasn’t there by my side in the suffering. I also don’t have to look too hard to find the blessings which have grown out of this season of waiting.
On July 14, 2020 at 8:05 am, an incredible woman gave birth to a healthy baby girl via c-section. She chose me to be the second mother to her child. She helped make me a momma.
Everyday, we wake up to the cries and babbling of our sweet baby. We have breakfast together – she has porridge and fruit which winds up all over herself, the highchair, the floor, and myself. She plays with her toys and obsesses over her stuffed animal cats. We attempt to read her books while she just shuts the book to look at the back cover. She stalks our cat, and when he comes close enough, she squeals with excitement while petting him (its really like grabbing a chunk of his fur). When she’s tired, she crawls over towards us to let us know she’s ready for a nap. She has fun playing in the bath but isn’t a fan of soap in her eyes. We rock her and sing to her before laying her down to sleep.
I never would have dreamed this would be my path to becoming a momma, but after our sweet daughter entered our lives, I can’t imagine it happening any other way.
“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” – Matthew 6:26 ESV
Abigail Grace Walker 